I want to discuss what can happen when we autistic humans get a bit too attached to just one person.
I can’t speak for everyone, but for me and many of us, finding that someone who makes us feel safe, seen or understood can be an amazing experience. We might call them our safe person, our rock or our whole world. But while this kind of connection is beautiful, it also comes with its own risks. So today I’m going to talk about the good and the bad.
There’s a saying, ‘don’t put all your eggs in one basket’, and having just one safe person that you rely on for everything, is a bit like doing just that.
As a teenager I experienced limerence, I made a video describing what it is and that really helped me to see that that’s what happened when I saw my husband for the first time. I was fixated, obsessed even and looking back, that’s not a healthy way to start a relationship, but it has worked for me, and that is how I found my safe person, even when I didn’t know I was autistic and even needed on.
Your safe person could be a friend, relative or a romantic partner, but all of these relationships can come with their own risks.
Autistic people can and do form very strong bonds with someone that makes them feel understood and safe, but if you form an emotional dependence on this person, you risk losing control of your own emotional stability.
The safe person can act as your emotional anchor, but if the relationship changes by distance, breakup or conflict, it can feel like our whole world is collapsing. We might shutdown, meltdown or spiral out of control as we try to deal with such intense distress. The feeling that we are completely lost without them can even lead to depression.
If they were the only person who got us, how can we function without them? In over 4 decades of my relationship with my husband, we have almost broken up a couple of times, now I look back and think was my decision to stay as logical as I thought? or was I just not prepared to lose my safe person?
We tend to have black and white thinking. This rigid or binary way of thinking can lead to us idealizing and idolizing the person, putting them on a pedestal and ignoring any red flags.
We may overlook transgressions, such as them no longer treating us well. We may be prepared to overlook bad behavior, ignore our own discomfort, prioritizing their needs over our own. Being so afraid to lose our ‘safe’ person that we may change ourselves, stop doing the things we love, or even stop talking to other people altogether.
Now just imagine that this special person doesn’t behave ‘perfectly’ I mean that’s not even possible is it? You may feel betrayed, a feeling that could have no real basis in reality. Your expectations were just too high. This can create unstable dynamics, where any behavior that deviates from what you expected, can feel catastrophic.
If you feel betrayed, then you can’t trust this person that you rely on, this person that is your whole world, you can’t just break the relationship with them, and this puts you in a very vulnerable position. You are leaving yourself vulnerable to manipulation or abuse. What if this safe person is not well-intentioned, you are attached to them, reliant on them so you may find yourself tolerating mistreatment just to maintain that connection.
You could struggle to see any manipulation or emotional coercion. You may even ignore your own needs, boundaries or discomfort. Taking people pleasing to a whole new level, which is especially dangerous in romantic or caregiving relationships, where there is an imbalance of power.
This intense focus on one person can lead to withdrawal from other friends and family. Social isolation can lead to a further loss of skills or confidence in social interactions. You could end up becoming increasingly dependent on this one relationship to meet all of your emotional needs. A total reliance on one special person can lead to you not wanting to go anywhere or do anything without them. Forgiving any transgression just to maintain the relationship.
Over-attachment can lead to a loss of self-identity, you may suppress your own interests or routines or confuse the other person’s preferences with your own. If you’re an autistic person with already low self-esteem you may be especially vulnerable. You may feel that you would be lost without them or not even know who you would be without them, causing you to stay in a relationship that may not be in your best interests.
How Can We Let This Happen To Us?
Many of us have experienced rejection, bullying or being misunderstood throughout our whole lives, so finding that one special person can feel like a lifeline. If that lifeline becomes your only source of safety or identity it makes you vulnerable. Imagine the devastating consequences of a betrayal, breakup or even a bereavement.
I’ve lived long enough now to know that you can’t live your life to make other people happy. Life is too short. Your worth does not depend on any one person staying around. You are enough on your own.
It is okay to love deeply and that is a beautiful autistic strength. But it is really important to stay connected to yourself and to live your life in a way that makes you happy. I wish someone had told me that.
Here’s some more things you should know:
- One person can’t meet all of your emotional needs – and that’s okay.
- Healthy relationships have boundaries, balance and breathing room, you can still have alone time and you should.
- You deserve to have more than one safe person and safe place.
- Forge new connections with friends or support groups
- Get hobbies and routines that make you feel good
- Work on your self-worth, being autistic can lead to low self-esteem as a result of how others treat us, maybe try therapy
- You deserve a relationship where you can be you, where you don’t have to keep quiet, change or disappear to keep the peace.
- Feeling this intense love or attachment, doesn’t mean you are broken or incomplete. Just remember to hold yourself with the same love and care that you give to others.
- You can’t control other people’s lives or happiness
- You can do what makes you happy
- Maybe by being happier you can influence those around you to be happy to.
Leave a comment