Autistic masking is sometimes referred to as camouflaging, but I think this is two different things, with two different objectives. This is my opinion, yours may differ, but to me ‘masking’ is trying to be like everybody else, not to stand out as different, whereas ‘camouflaging’ is trying not to be seen at all.
Even as a young child of 7 or 8, I remember being aware that the ‘me’ at home, was not the same as the ‘me’ outside. But I assumed that everyone felt like that. Was I masking, was I camouflaging? At home I was bossy and loud, I fought with my brother and later as a teen occasionally argued with my mum.
At middle school I always had one good friend, but different every year. I didn’t like games, playtime or sports, and found excuses to stay in doing jobs for teachers. I avoided standing out by not being with all the other children.
At secondary school, however, I was a silent watcher. Was this camouflaging? I had a few safe people each year that I would talk to occasionally as I felt safe around them, but I never thought of them as my friends, I don’t know why. Maybe I didn’t understand what friends were, or didn’t feel I’d earned that right? My silent watching sometimes got me into trouble for ‘staring’ but my eyes were rarely seeing anything. I was picked on and bullied for being quiet and thus a snob, so I just retreated even more.
I think I was camouflaging, trying not to be seen, not to be noticed. I didn’t fake eye contact or notice body language. I wasn’t watching and learning, like I’ve heard others claim, I was hiding. I was in my own world, in my head.
When I was younger I think I had been masking, copying accents on a trip to Yorkshire or copying a laugh I’d seen on tv. But when that got me noticed I did not like the attention. I didn’t make eye contact as a child. I was ‘shy’ I remember hiding behind my mum when she stopped to chat to someone she knew, as she often did.
When I got older just into my 30s and started Taekwondo, I soon got to a level where I had to teach others. That is where my true masking shone. I hated teaching, but I needed to do it to progress. A black belt teaches, shares their knowledge, pays time back into the art. It was my duty.
I could see the students needed help, encouragement, an energy level to inspire that is alien to me. I faked it. Fake confidence, fake enthusiasm, but all based on an obsessive knowledge to back up my low self-confidence. I could answer any question, I studied, but if there was something I hadn’t learned yet, I would find it out. I was still human after all.
Masking can be copying body language. I am not consciously aware of body language, I must see it to some degree, but deep inside and only at a basic level. I do try to look at people’s faces sometimes, but I find it uncomfortable and unnatural. It took me years to realise that this is probably why I don’t remember people’s faces much of the time.
“Hello, how are you?” a common greeting here in the UK. It is only post-diagnosis (at 54 years of age) that I now realise they don’t want to know! I used to answer this question honestly. Why the hell do they ask if they don’t want an answer? It still baffles me. Yet now, masking I say, “okay”, even though I’m not.
I can fake some small talk, I love to moan about the weather, but I keep tortoises and their wellbeing depends on sunlight, so I have a reason to care. The British weather is so awful, it’s easy to get a sympathetic ear.
Masking is also used to cover ‘stims’ those little self-soothing things you do to keep calm. I bite my nails, play with my hair, rub my face, fiddle with jewellery, all things that can go unremarked upon. But as a late diagnosed adult I see the things I do at home, like wiggling my legs or rubbing my feet together, that I would never do in public: so I am masking.
I have sensory sensitivities, and I’ve not been great at masking them. Food is a big one for me and I’m not eating something I don’t like, no matter where I am or who is there. I can’t stand perfumes, or other strong smells and I will get away from them wherever possible. I won’t wear certain clothing/ fabrics no matter what.
I have found it very difficult to work out when I’m masking, the only thing I’m certain of now is that I don’t mask at home and usually not with my husband. I rarely mask with my best friend, but even now I don’t say or do everything I want/ need to. I still want others to be happy, not me and I put others first. I’m still a different ‘me’ in public, but maybe not quite so rigidly as I was before.
I’m exhausted all the time. I barely sleep it takes me 2 or 3 hours to fall asleep and I’m constantly waking up. I never remember dreaming, I rarely get that deep asleep. 5 hours is a good nights sleep for me. But I need 8 hours a night. If asked to describe myself in one word, I say miserable. But with no identifiable cause of my misery. The diagnostician told me that is anxiety. So I am therefore constantly anxious and exhausted. This sounds like someone still masking, but how do I isolate something if I’ve done it unknowingly all my life?
If I’ve been masking all my life, then I need to work out exactly who I am. I always thought I knew, but now I’m not so sure. It confusing. My father died when I was 25 and my personality definitely changed after that. I gained a ‘life’s too short to care about everything’ attitude, but was still walking on egg shells at home, dealing with an undiagnosed ADHD husband who couldn’t reasonably deal with parenthood. He’d had no good role model so was growing up alongside the children. I was managing them all. There wasn’t much room for ‘me’ and what I wanted/ needed.
At least my diagnosis and my husband’s have given us new understanding and thus given us the ability to work it out together. Knowing why a certain action or statement elicited the response it did, is a great way to manage future interactions and to mitigate misunderstandings. We wish we’d had this knowledge much earlier, our younger selves would have had far fewer rows/ arguments.
Masking, especially as a woman and I’m sure any minority comes so naturally, it is difficult to identify. It is no wonder so many missed their chance of a diagnosis as a child.
If I hadn’t masked at all and had been noticed as autistic and diagnosed would I be a different person now? I don’t know if a diagnosis at age 12 say for me would have helped. That would have been in 1981 in my case. Autism was much misunderstood then and I doubt I would have got any help at school. Maybe later on I could have completed my Maths, Physics and Chemistry A’levels. I definitely dropped out due to being unable to cope with not being up to date on all my homework at all times, my autistic brain saw that as failure and couldn’t deal with it! I didn’t have any friends to lean on for help or support due to being autistic. If I’d got my A’levels in my favourite subjects maybe I could have found a better job. I started in banking, because you didn’t work Saturdays and it was 9-5pm.
I’ve never had career aspirations other than wanting to write a book. Which I did, but then never did anything with the manuscript. I hate criticism positive or negative. It crushes my already low self-esteem. I loved science and technology and should have gone into computing, but I was a girl in the early days of computing (my year was the first time a computer studies O’level had been introduced at my all girls school) there was no careers guidance for computing.
I masked at work, but left my career in the bank when I couldn’t deal with the sensory sensitivities and I’d been told to answer the phones whilst doing my regular paperwork. If I’d know then I would have been armed to defend myself, but I was unconsciously masking, never knowing I was autistic, and this didn’t change with my next job.
I think I’ve both masked and camouflaged at different times in my life, depending on the situation. It’s easier to go unnoticed as a child in school, than as an adult in work.
If I hadn’t masked or camouflaged and I’d been identified sooner, maybe my life could have been different, but I doubt it.
I’m now in a position where I am sometimes aware that I need to check my behaviour and can often make a conscious decision to do so. But should I have to? I don’t know. People treat you differently if you announce your diagnosis, so maybe in this case masking is the better option.
Just watched an Orion Kelly video where they discuss this click below if interested:
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